It’s interesting; I’ve been in a funk since the Opening. At first I thought it was a just a physical thing since I had been working so hard to get everything ready, only sleeping about two hours a night most nights. But then as I really started paying more attention I thought, you know, I’ve got postpartum, huh?”
But what does that even mean? I’ve never had a child, so I don’t have that experience. But I do know people who have and the more I thought about it, I thought but I did have a child, metaphorically. I spent more than nine months. It’s been two years: germinating, developing, feeding, and nurturing this idea, this dream, this huge thing, every day, thinking about it and what it will be when it gets introduced to the world, working on it, spending money on it, everyday something. It came through me just like a child does. My body has taken a toll, because of it.
Lest you think I’m complaining, let me put that question to bed… I’m not. It’s been worth it, every step, because I’ve grown as a person.
So why the postpartum, dare I say depression? I thought, “this is ridiculous, I can’t have that.” I’ve been planning since the start on what’s next. I have a ten-year plan. Why would I be depressed? Well, once I stopped judging myself and accepted that that was what I was feeling; I started listening, really listening.
I’ve been listening for the last four weeks. And I was getting more depressed because I didn’t seem to be getting any answers, just more anxious because I was thinking I don’t have time for this, I’ve got to start generating some income. I just paid a ton of bills and I had planned on now bringing in some income to sustain this and carry it forward. I got even more depressed. Was all this for naught? I’m only one person? Was any of this realistic to begin with… you know the drill, na, nanat, nanat, nanat…
But you know, the true Spiritual path doesn’t work on earth time, it works on God’s time. And, God is always right there. In my experience, it is I who take awhile to come round most of the time. I’m the one who has to get out of my own way, who has to let go of old thoughts and open my mind to receive the message that God has for me.
So, what is the message? I realize now that it would have been very easy to be swept up into all of the energy and excitement and to create unconsciously and that is exactly what my vision of the farm is not. It is about Conscious Living and making Conscious choices, choices that are in alignment with my heart and Spirit!